Exactly Where I'm Meant to Be: Reflecting on My Life With Disabilities
God is not always fair, but He is generous. - Anonymous
The other day, while talking to a friend, she asked me, “What do you think your life would be like if you didn’t have cancer when you were little?” My immediate response was I would probably be really mean and would have missed out on many important lessons at a young age. She laughed at my honest answer, saying that it is impossible to imagine that since I’m too sweet. She’s obviously never lived with me.
As I celebrate another birthday and time goes by, I find myself reflecting on everything in life. I often look at other people my age and wonder how different life might be if I never had cancer and wasn’t physically disabled. Where would I be now if my disabilities didn’t keep me from making certain choices? What if I never experienced cancer? What would I have missed out on? Would the same things that are important to me now, still matter if I wasn’t disabled?
Because of my disabilities, there are a number of things that don’t seem fair a majority of the time. I get annoyed by the fact that I can’t drive due to poor vision, the fact that I struggle to confidently walk from point A to point B (especially at night), that I will probably never run again, that everyone can see my disabilities, sometimes causing unfair judgement, and the list goes on.
But despite that long list, there always seems to be something good that comes from every bad thing. I’ll never have to pay car insurance, people have a tendency to wait on me so I don’t have to walk a lot, and it’s easy for people to remember me.
Barbie Bauer, @barbievbauer.
When I was younger, my whole family used to get together and go camping every summer. It was not like what most people consider camping like renting a cabin, etc. The only way to get to our campsite was by my uncle’s boat and then hike uphill a couple miles. We had a portable kitchen, used outhouses, saw very few people besides family, and embraced the outdoors for a week. It was not unusual to wake up with a deer sleeping on your tent.
Looking back, it seems crazy to have done all that preparation for only a couple days, but what great memories I have of those times being with family. It was so beautiful and peaceful looking at the sky at night. Every star shined extra bright because of how little light pollution was around. Obviously between me getting sick, my dad’s ALS, and other reasons, we stopped taking those trips. With all my balance issues now, it would be very difficult for me even to walk around the campsite on uneven terrain. I’d be too worried about being like Hansel and Gretel and falling into the campfire.
Thinking about those memories with my family, it’s not fair to have them taken away from me because of cancer. However, I am still thankful I can stand out on my patio at night and see the stars. It may not be the same as being in the middle of nowhere, staring at the sky, but it is still equally as incredible.
When God takes certain things away from us, our immediate response is to say that’s not fair, I don’t deserve this. But if you’re patient and wait for it, you’ll see His generosity and how He gives us things we didn’t even know we wanted or needed. Life never turns out the way we expect it or hope for it to go. Because of this, it’s in our nature to experience doubts, compare ourselves to others, or wonder what if. Growing up, I never dreamed of becoming disabled; that definitely came out of left field. But as I’ve learned to embrace my disabilities over the years and focus on what I have instead of thinking about what I don’t have, life has brought me so many wonderful adventures that I never even imagined existed. It’s easy to see only what is in front of us, to have tunnel vision, and to throw a pity party because life doesn’t seem fair. But at those times, take a look at the bigger picture, trust God, and wait for Him to make his next move.
May you trust God that you are exactly where you are meant to be. -St. Teresa of Avila
Meet Beth Puleo
Beth Puleo is a graduate of Mount St. Mary's University, an avid blogger, published author, speaker, and grant writer. She enjoys sharing her story about being a childhood brain cancer, becoming physically disabled, and overcoming the odds to discover her abilities. After being told by doctors at a young age that she would die, Beth found her strength to live by trusting in God and through her incredible family, "for nothing is impossible with God." Connect with Beth on Instagram at @eapuleo.