Women at the Well: The Heart of a Divorced Woman
Editor’s Note: Women at the Well is an ongoing blog series. Each month, a different woman shares how God is meeting her in her current season of life. Today, we’re thrilled to have Patty Breen joining us to talk about her walk with God as a divorced woman.
Tell us a bit about yourself, your current vocation as a divorced woman, and your normal daily routine.
Hi there, my name is Patty Breen and I am 35 years old. I have worked in parish lay ministry for almost 12 years, do freelance writing and speaking on the side, and am mildly obsessed with Thomas Merton. I went through a marriage, divorce, and annulment by the time I was 31. While the pain and suffering of those years was quite difficult, it has by far been the most transformative and healing experience of my life. Because of those years I am a much different woman; a more whole and healed version of the woman Jesus created me to be.
Since my divorce, I have been in two serious relationships. Quite recently, I broke up with a boyfriend when I began to realize how emotionally unavailable he was for me and that my own emotional needs and wants were not being met. I made the hard decision in complete freedom and peace. Currently, I am getting back into online dating...which is already interesting, aside from the global pandemic. I know my vocation is marriage, it is a deep desire of my heart. However, I have not found the right, high-value man for me. I am doing my part, but also leaning back in abandonment knowing Jesus sees and hears my desires and He wants good for me too. I am trusting and allowing right where life finds me right now.
My normal, daily routine looks something like this. As an early bird, I am typically up between 5 and 5:30am. I start the day with a short NPR podcast as I brew my morning coffee and choose a pretty mug. Then I have daily prayer. It usually consists of 20-25 minutes of silence, the daily readings or other Scripture I am reading, and writing in my journal. I also try to get a run in before getting ready and heading to the office.
In my role as a Pastoral Associate, I oversee all adult faith formation at the parish where I work. My workday there consists of phone calls, planning and prep for events, emails, meetings (sometimes after work), leading training, and anything else the pastor wants my input on. Think of me as Robin to Batman for the priest.
After work, it will look like doing things with friends, catching up on Marco Polo video chats, writing or blogging, seeing my parents, running errands, reading and maybe a bit of Netflix.
If we look closely, we see the hand of God working in our lives. How is Jesus reaching out to you right now, in your current season of life?
In all honesty, life is in a pretty difficult season for me. My dad is dying from a rare neurological disease similar to ALS. Recently breaking up with a boyfriend, I feel frustrated and sometimes anxious as I find myself single again, trying to balance putting myself out there dating with trusting God’s plan for my life. A promising creative project I was hopeful would turn into a book deal was denied.
Jesus is reaching out to me by allowing me to be very honest and frank with my thoughts and emotions with all the heaviness it feels is on my plate right now. As a fairly self-aware and verbally expressive woman, I know He is not put off by my very direct feelings on everything I am walking through.
Most recently in spiritual direction a few weeks ago, I had an insight of a very tangible way Jesus is reaching out to me. I mentioned earlier that the recent man I broke up with turned out to be emotionally unavailable.
It struck me at that direction appointment, I broke up with a man who couldn’t be there for me so I could be more emotionally present to my own dad as he was dying. My own dad was not always as emotionally present as I needed growing up, and working through those father wounds as an adult has been both trying and transformational. It felt oddly healing, like a gift from Jesus, to be able to give to my own Dad what perhaps he never was quite able to give me when I was growing up.
What truths about yourself has the Lord been revealing in prayer? How does acknowledging these truths in your heart affect your vocation in life?
There is one particular truth God has been giving me right now and it is connected to a bright, red balloon. Since my break-up, I have had a sense that I am like a balloon right now in my own life, that Jesus is stretching and expanding me to attract and receive the right man who will be available to me. God is expanding my heart and ability to be more emotionally present for my dad as he dies, which is oddly comforting and healing for me. God is just expanding and stretching me so I will be able to fully receive all that is to come into my life. I do not fully understand what this means or what it will look like, but I just have a very strong sense of this image and am spending a lot of time these days sitting in the silence with it all.
Kayla Hart, @hartofsilver.
How has encountering Jesus in prayer radically changed your life? What fruits do you see manifested in your day-to-day that flow from encounters with Him?
Encountering Jesus has helped me understand how Jesus sees me, what He calls me, and what He has to speak over my life. The greatest fruits I see revealed are a greater vulnerability and authenticity in my daily prayer life. I tell Jesus everything on my mind, there is nothing that I don’t talk about with Him.
It can often be easy to fall into the trap of discontent in our specific vocations. What has been bringing you peace lately? Do you have any habits, hobbies, or self care practices which fills your heart with peace?
Daily prayer, counting my daily gratefuls, heart-to-heart chats with my friends, acknowledging and naming my feelings, and sitting in the silence have been bringing me peace. Writing, running, blogging, getting outdoors, getting together with friends, reading good books, and podcasts that teach me something new are all ways I am taking care of myself.
What words of encouragement would you like to pass on to a sister facing the same choices and challenges as you?
I specifically would like to speak to women who have gone or will go through a divorce like myself, or are older and single.
First of all, if you are considering or have gone through a divorce. Friend, God wants your peace and wholeness. If you are not emotionally or physically safe, that matters to the heart of Jesus. I will share with you a thought a bishop in my diocese once shared with me, “God hates divorce (the fact it has to exist), but God does not hate divorced people.” Do not let others shame or belittle for painful, hard choices you have to make. Seek wise counsel from good priests and friends. Trust the voice of God moving and active right where life finds you, even if it calls you to something unimaginable that others may not understand or question. Trust yourself and your intuition and trust in Jesus even more. No, I am not advocating women to leave their marriages, but there are times when staying is worse and to leave is the only option.
Secondly, I want to speak to you older Catholic women who perhaps still find themselves single amid the deep desires for marriage and a family. Friend, I am right there with you in that boat. It is hard to understand and navigate why it has not happened for me yet, when it feels I am surrounded on social media and in real life women getting married and having children. Acknowledge and name those feelings. Be real with Jesus on how you feel and what it brings up for you. Honestly, sometimes I do this amid tears or yelling in frustration.
I do not know what life holds for you or me. But I do know, we believe in a faithful, loving God. No desire of our heart goes unnoticed to Him. I would offer you what my own spiritual director has had to share with me (more times than one!): “You already have everything you need for a rich, meaningful life. Be open and just show up to live your life. Yes put yourself out there in dating, but abandon yourself to the will of God in daily life.”
Meet Patty Breen
Patty Breen has been working in lay ministry for over ten years and writes online for Catholic Match, Blessed Is She, and Verily. A Midwestern girl from the Mitten state, Patty finds joy in running, strong cups of coffee, Ignatian spirituality, and writing. She is passionate about messy conversations at the intersection of faith, culture, and ministry.