Holy Ground: Renewal and Transformation in the Midst of Postpartum
“Cherish every moment.” “It goes so fast.”
I still remember the pull at the pit of my stomach when I would hear someone swoon over the newborn months. I was counting the minutes just waiting for the magical moment it would all get easier. Can’t we all relate to a time like this? You don’t have to be a mother of a colicky newborn to know a desperate longing for rest, the deep desire for strength just out of reach. Why was I struggling so badly? This was what I had prayed for - to have children, to be a good mother, and to love every moment along the way, right? Just like I see all my friends doing on Instagram, right?
I naturally tend to be a “striver” more than an “abider.” I look back at the early months of motherhood, and what I now know was a journey with postpartum depression, and I think how desperately I was striving for joy. I actually remember Googling, “how to find joy in motherhood.” Google has all the answers, right?
I was raised Catholic, I was going to mass, I was praying and I know I was being prayed for, but no matter how hard I strived, I didn’t know how to find the rest Christ promised. It wasn’t until I was at my weakest, in a moment where all I could muster was to cry out, “Jesus,” that the power of Christ’s love finally broke through. Grace. When I needed it, beyond anything I could have prayed for or planned for. My soul turned from, “I can do all of this all by myself,” to “I can’t do any of this without You.”
Tayler Crabb, @taylercrabb.
In the depths of postpartum depression I opened my bible for the first time since college, and I began a journey that would give my life meaning and bear witness to the Father’s love. I realize now, God loved me too much to let me do motherhood without Him. If I had breezed through those early months, who knows if I would have found a relationship with Jesus. My children may only know a lukewarm faith. I may still be going through the motions, thinking I was, in fact, doing it all on my own.
Motherhood forces us to grow up quickly. Suddenly, we are giving all of ourselves, sacrificing everything we know for something completely new. Physically, emotionally draining of “self” to give life to another. Who can meet us in these life-giving moments? Whose arms are outstretched to hold us in His own life-giving last breath? Only Jesus.
So, now, as a mother of a 6 year old, 2 year old, and another on the way… are those first months worth cherishing? Of course they are. Those days are holy ground. But when the weight of our sacrifice bears heavy, and it will, remember the Father’s love outstretched to hold us and help us carry the load.
Meet Maria Cerni
Maria lives in Ohio with her husband and two - soon to be three! - daughters. When she’s not building forts and hosting tea parties, she teaches group fitness classes at a local gym and enjoys cooking, traveling and spending time with loved ones. Motherhood has made Maria a student of the “simple life” where she is learning to embrace the quiet moments, notice God’s abundant blessings and abide in His word and the Sacraments. Maria began journaling in prayer during quarantine. Her writing continues to blossom, and it occasionally finds a home on Catholic blogs and social media.