My Story of Escaping Shame by Returning to Confession
In 2019, I was going through a very busy season of life. From working two jobs, studying full time for two masters programs, and being an active member of my young adult group, I starting making excuses for missing Confession. Normally, I tried to go to confession once or twice a month, but in the summer of 2019, I just “never” had time.
Putting confession aside was the reason I felt like I was losing control of everything I was a part of that summer. I was going through a rough patch at work; any call from my manager could potentially lead to a lay off. My second job was difficult too. I was working odd hours at a child care center. Because of the tight turnaround time between jobs, I found myself clocking in late more days than not.
My studies were taking a toll too. I procrastinated until deadlines were due and felt overwhelmed.
With everything seemingly falling apart, who had time to go to Confession?
I certainly did not feel like I did. Every waking hour quickly grew to be a desperate means to keep everything together… until I called my boyfriend for help. He was studying in a different state, so our distance was alleviated with video calls and the occasional visit. But this particular weekend, I broke down and asked my boyfriend what I was doing wrong.
My boyfriend (now husband) very patiently waited for my tears to subside, leaned into his phone and asked me quietly, “Have you been praying lately? Have you gone to confession?”
I looked down at my hands, looked up at my phone where I could see his face, and realized I couldn’t remember the last time I went.
I did not have time!
Mary Beth Keenan, @mb_keenan.15
I felt so ashamed at that moment. I was embarrassed that I let all these worldly items get such a grip on my life that I pushed Jesus away. The waves of shame and sadness started flooding my heart; but there was a small pull to Jesus there, to rest my head on His shoulder and let Him take care of me.
I started tearing up, feeling so ashamed, and told my boyfriend, “I can’t go, I’m so scared of feeling judged - I haven’t gone in so long.”
There was silence on the line as my boyfriend looked at me - he nodded, then sat up and said “Let’s pray. I’ll pray for you right now, then go to Confession”.
And he prayed.
He prayed for me to have the strength to go to Confession; to remember all the graces and peace the sacrament brings. He prayed for me to be open to unburdening my heart to the Lord in that Sacrament, to remember what it felt like to be wrapped in His comfort and love. He prayed for Mother Mary to walk with me closer to her Son. After he prayed for me, he smiled softly and said, “Go on, you can call me later.”
I flew to Confession that afternoon, and I still remember walking out of the chapel feeling more equipped to be the woman of God I was meant to be.
I believe my boyfriend’s prayers provided me the fuel to go to Confession after the dry spell, to see the living water of love Jesus has waiting for us at Confession. To feel forgiveness and to feel peace.
That summer of 2019 was one of the driest spells of my faith life. When I feel myself slipping back into the desert, my boyfriend’s prayers still ring in my heart and guide me to the Confessional.
Confession imparts a grace in my life that I feel needs to be shared to anyone who feels like their lives are not going the way they planned. The unburdening of our heart leads us to examine our conscience, walking ourselves through an active examination of our actions, clearing out the dirt of sin and temptation, so that we may be clean and ready for the outpouring of mercy that Jesus has waiting for us.
Meet Rebecca Sahagun
Rebecca Sahagun is a project manager living in the suburbs of Chicago. She recently got married in August of 2022. She primarily writes about experiences throughout her current season of life. She is very family oriented and looks for any opportunity to spend time with her husband and both sets of parents. In her free time, she enjoys walking through grocery aisles and baking for her family and friends.