From Trauma to Trust: How My Relationship with God the Father Healed
I still remember my first penance.
I was nervous about bringing my sins to this particular priest, especially since I had only been baptized in the Catholic Church the week before. I figured my penance would be something challenging and intense…
“For your penance, say one Our Father.”
I groaned internally. Of course, it had to be the Our Father. There I was, confessing my resentment and anger at my earthly father, and this priest gave me the one prayer I tended to avoid.
On the drive home, I thought about my reluctance to recite the prayer our Lord gave us. I had proclaimed a belief in the Triune God - I adored God the Son and welcomed God the Holy Spirit, but why was it so difficult to pray to God the Father?
God the Father, Who so loved the world that He gave His only Son so that we might spend eternity with Him in paradise. God the Father, Who rejoices in the child who returns to Him after having gone astray. God the Father, Who spoke directly to my wounded heart during a Mass I happened to walk into one dark Christmas season. The Father Who said that He would never cease to gather His people to Himself.
My thoughts drifted back to my earthly father. The man partially responsible for my existence, whose features I saw when I looked in the mirror. The man who should have cherished and protected me but instead chose to cause me harm. The man had inflicted physical, emotional, and psychological wounds so deep that I had considered taking my own life just to escape the pain he had caused me.
I thought about all the times I begged God to stop the abuse. I remembered how I continuously prayed for deliverance, and for years, I felt alone and unheard by God.
The agnosticism I converted from was greatly owed to God’s silence in those moments. Even after finding a home in the Catholic Church, I wondered - how could I trust God the Father when He seemed indifferent to my suffering?
My relationship with God the Father was damaged, and there was a lot that I had to wrestle with before our relationship could be repaired. Thankfully, I belong to a Church that welcomed my questions, doubts, and even my anger. My healing began when I became curious about the Truth found in Scripture, the wisdom of the Saints, and the teachings of the Church.
Tayler Crabb, @taylercrabb.
The Truth in Scripture
I had read Scripture regularly and realized that God’s Word was alive. The Bible was not just an old book full of stories but a conduit for conversation with my Creator. In passages that had only seemed like cute little platitudes before, I now heard the voice of the Father speaking gently to my heart:
“I will be a Father to you, and you will be my sons and daughters, says the Lord Almighty.” (2 Corinthians 6:18)
“Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your Heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?” (Matthew 6:26)
“Because you are precious in my sight and honored, and I love you.” (Isaiah 43:4)
These were not the words of an unaffected God who did not care about what I had suffered. I realized through meditating on Scripture that God not only saw my pain but wept for me. He heard my prayers and called me to Himself.
The Teachings of the Church
This revelation was confirmed by the Church herself when I studied the Catechism:
“Faith in God the Father Almighty can be put to the test by the experience of evil and suffering. God can sometimes seem to be absent and incapable of stopping evil. But in the most mysterious way God the Father has revealed his almighty power in the voluntary humiliation and Resurrection of his Son, by which he conquered evil.” (CCC 272)
I was not a lost cause for doubting the goodness of God the Father.
My faith had been tested during those years of abuse, but He had shone His might when He brought me out of that situation and put people in my life who loved me and showed me that I deserved to be loved.
The Wisdom of the Saints
Finally, I found comfort in the wisdom of the saints, who knew all too well the struggles of the Christian life and had learned to trust their heavenly Father despite what they suffered:
“Do not fear what may happen tomorrow. The same loving Father who cares for you today will care for you tomorrow and every day. Either He will shield you from suffering, or He will give you unfailing strength to bear it. Be at peace, then, and put aside all anxious thoughts and imaginings.” (Saint Francis de Sales)
“Lay all your cares about the future trustingly in God’s hands, and let yourself be guided by the Lord just like a little child.” (Saint Edith Stein)
“I see that God never tries us beyond what we are able to suffer. Oh, I fear nothing; if God sends such great sufferings to a soul, He upholds it with an even greater grace, though we are not aware of it. One act of trust in such moments gives greater glory to God than whole hours passed in prayer filled with consolation.” (Saint Faustina)
These three sources of Truth - Scripture, the Catechism, and the saints - showed me that I could trust in the goodness of the Father. I could allow myself to rely on Him and trust that He cares for my wellbeing because I am, and always have been, His beloved Daughter.
He did not allow me to suffer because I had done something wrong or because He thought I deserved to be abused by my earthly father but instead worked my sufferings for His glory by guiding me home to His Church. He loves me with a love that I cannot fathom. I need only to trust in His love. He will take care of the rest.
To our God and Father be glory forever and ever. Amen.
Meet JuliaMarie Woolbright
JuliaMarie lives in the Western North Carolina mountains with her husband, Thomas, and their three sons. She is a convert to Catholicism and a lover of books, cooking, writing, art, and all things Tolkien. Encouraging women to live authentically and boldly is her passion, and she lives for deep, uncomfortable conversations about everything and anything. She blogs at musingsofacatholicmama.com and shares snippets of her daily life on her Instagram, @musingsofacatholicmama.