Embracing the Imperfect Journey of Making New Friends in a New Town
I never imagined after a year and a half of moving to our new town I would have made only one new friend. One.
I wanted a big group of friends like I had been a part of for years. When friendship with the women at church didn’t happen right away, I told myself it was because I was the only one who didn’t have children. I was confident that, once my daughter was born, I would fit in perfectly and have an instant posse.
As I waited, I did my best to chat with women after Mass. I wanted to make a good impression and tried to be my most charming, smiley, devout Catholic self. I made eye contact, said hello, asked questions, and made a few lighthearted jokes when I saw the opportunity.
It took a few months after Monica’s birth to realize nothing was changing. I had the same small talk conversation, ad nauseam, after every event I obediently attended. I answered the same, superficial questions and asked similar ones in return. The “how are you’s” and “she’s gotten so big’s” led nowhere except to walking out the back door three minutes later. No invitations, no meaningful conversations, no group outings of any sort.
As time passed, my hope changed to resentment. Like a fertile weed, it grew exponentially in a short amount of time. I began to take my failure to connect with the community personally.
I started dreading daily Mass and the other church outings. I anticipated that history would repeat itself, my injured pride causing bitter questions to flare up. Was I not holy enough? Was I too young? Was having one child insufficient to become part of the ‘in’ crowd?
Intellectually I realized my mindset was silly and unhelpful. I understood there was nothing malicious going on. It was simply a busy group of moms with too much on their overflowing plates to befriend the new girl. It stung.
I complained to my mother, the source of all wisdom. “You need to stop trying,” she responded.
Mary Beth Keenan, @mb_keenan.15.
Initially, I was taken aback. Wasn't this the woman who taught me the importance of grit and perseverance? After giving her advice more thought and talking to other people, I realized she was right.
I was trying to force friendship with a group that, aside from faith and motherhood, I really didn’t have much in common. As Einstein understood: insanity is doing the same thing over and over while expecting different results. Putting myself out there, in unsuccessful attempts to make friends, led to bitterness that was consuming me from the inside out.
Sometimes we become so intent on our efforts, so focused on the end result, we forget to involve God. Leaving Him out of the equation, we often find ourselves frustrated, burnt out, and completely out of patience.
Coming to terms with the reality of a hard situation is…well, hard. Imperfection is painful. When we or our circumstances fall short of the ideal it's disappointing. When we embrace our imperfect situation instead of fighting for control, we give God space to work.
I’m not advocating for giving up on improving whatever imperfect situation in which we find ourselves. I’m not pushing for a passive approach or victim mentality regarding our problems. However, we can give God space. Or as Mother Teresa said, permission.
I’m no longer pursuing friendship with the women at church in the same way. Now, I'm asking God to provide friendship and guide me to where I'll find what I need. In this time of waiting, I'm learning to:
Reframe my situation: With fewer outings or conversations, I'm less distracted in my relationship with God. This is an opportunity to radically rely on God. Even when it seems like nothing is happening, I can put the virtue of hope into action. This will help me exercise hopefulness in future situations.
Listen to the promptings of the Holy Spirit: God wants my highest good. The Spirit is always working toward this, I need to be attentive to His promptings. Through prayer and reading, I'm learning more about how He works and how I can participate in His mysterious plans.
Use this time to work on other projects: Instead of coffee with a new friend, I can work on my writing, practice photography, start a home improvement project, or make an elaborate meal.
When our efforts in a new endeavor or season of life are not working the way we want them to, the answer isn’t always to work harder. Maybe the answer is to accept where we are, in all of its painful imperfection and let God in. We have permission to take a break from our efforts and reevaluate, in prayer, what is being asked of us. Perhaps we're being asked to take a breath and pause for a beat so God can work.
Meet Miranda Henkel
Miranda is a freelance writer based outside of Jacksonville, Florida. Her husband works for the U.S. Navy and together they have a 9-month-old girl, Monica Thérèse. She enjoys documenting her life on her blog and social media page, sharing what she learns from her experiences through a Catholic lens. Outside of writing she is passionate about the faith, photography, and having fun.